Gash Of The Titans

[Film] Clash Of The Titans

As if to prove the ideas well is now totally dry, those Hollywood fucks have deigned to start remaking bad films too. The 1981 original had a lo-fi charm at best, but who better to bring it into the 21st century than the guy who directed The Transporter 2.

Trouble is brewing on Mount Olympus, and not just in the hair and make-up department. Zeus (Neeson) is fuelled by the love of  Man, but brother Hades (Fiennes) has been banished to the Underworld. Zeus rules the manor – you can tell by the buff to his armour and the point of his beard – and boy, is Hades not happy about this. Nor do the minor Gods look too thrilled, left to stand decorously on their podiums around the floating Risk board that is Olympus. But Zeus isn’t too chuffed with the way life has turned out either.

One night, growing tired of wanking alone on his cloud, he plunges down to Earth and sexes it up with an Earth woman, Danae. Unfortunately her husband Calibos catches them at it. His view of the Gods was already ambivalent at best but now, if surveyed, he would be staunchly anti-Gods. Rather than punish her immediately, he waits nine months for the son, Perseus (Sam Worthington), to be born before casting mother and child to the sea, on the assumption that they will both definitely die. Of course he didn’t reckon on Pete Postlethwaite cruising by on his trawler, rescuing Perseus, and raising him as his own. Except with an Australian accent.

Anyway, Perseus is happy to live the life of a lowly fisherman, until one day when events take a turn for the pivotal. The citizens of Argos have grown restless of the Gods – something to do with those new self-serve pay and collect machines they’ve introduced – and goad them by pushing a giant statue of Zeus into the sea. Hades immediately springs into action, descending to Earth like a spectral fart cloud and summoning a tsunami which kills Perseus’ family. Fortunately Perseus survives and heads on up to Argos to see what the fuck is going on. Turns out Hades is pretty pissed at Man’s lack of loyalty to the Gods. So pissed in fact that he promises to release the Kraken on the city in ten days. So pissed that he then promises to spare them if they sacrifice Andromeda. And then before he leaves he lets slip to Perseus that he’s his uncle, btw. Obviously, balancing the life of one Olay model against the lives of thousands of shitmunchers is an easy decision, so a ragtag bunch of soldiers head off for Witch Mountain or something, with demigod Perseus in tow, in order to find the secret of slaying the Kraken. Even Greek mythology was renowned for its casual racism: the thieves and poachers in the group are vaguely swarthy and Arabic, the young, innocent, wet-behind-the-ears naif is that nice English boy from Skins and the Celts, well they’re just doin’ it for The Kraken.

The action then almost completely grinds to a halt as they trek across the desert and through the mountains for hours on end, in what is essentially an episode of Ray Mears in loin cloths. Their only company is Gemma Arterton’s fragrant Io The Immortal, who seems to be the only one with regular access to a shower, and occasional visits from Zeus. He’s missed watching Perseus grow up and thinks turning up now with the gift of a lucky sovereign and a shiny new sword is going to put everything right – the bastard! After dispatching a few giant scorpions and a run-in with Calibos (who is now in cahoots with Hades and his plan to take over Olympus) the crew are informed by the bark-faced witches that the only way to defeat the Kraken is to confront it with the head of Medusa. The only thing turning Perseus to stone at this point is the sight of Io in her toga, but he successfully beheads Medusa despite the loss of his army and plans to head back to Argos. But oh noes, time is running out and it doesn’t look like Perseus will make it back to confront the Kraken! Oh, it’s okay, fortunately Avatar star Worthington has it written into his contract that not only must all his films be in 3D, but he also gets to fly a mythical winged creature at some point. And before you know it, Pegasus has just turned up and he can fly on back to Argos post-haste without any formal Pegasus-riding tuition.

Now the title of the film may suggest that the Titans do clash at some point. What actually happens is a mild colour mismatch at worst. The finale sees Perseus run up some steps, take Medusa’s head out of his satchel and hold it in the Kraken’s face, whence it immediately turns to stone. This leaves just enough time for Hades to be banished back to the Underworld, and Perseus and Zeus to shoot the shit on the beach and promise to catch up for a frappuccino at some point.

Although seemingly lasting an age, the film is at least mercifully short. When it does finally appear, the Kraken is only on-screen for a matter of minutes and resembles a three flush log, which as a metaphor for the film, could be no more accurate. Neeson looks embarrassed, Fiennes looks and sounds constipated, and Worthington looks bewildered, as always. Where the original had Ray Harryhausen’s animatronics to remember it by, this remake has only leaden action sequences, muddy 3D effects, and perfunctory dialogue. In place of the central romance between Perseus and Andromeda, here we’re tossed a tedious revenge saga to chew on. In the final reckoning this will be but a footnote in the history of shitcinema, and indeed in the inexplicably successful movie career of one Sam Worthington.

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3 Responses to “Gash Of The Titans”

  1. yep, that’s pretty much how i remember it. looking forward to the ‘piranha’ review.

  2. Jake Shoemaker Says:

    well, it was kinda bad, but it was ALOT better than the original. And the Kraken was pretty damn badass for a 3 minute evil beastie.

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